Bemusedbecky

Just a drop in the entire ocean. Imperfect. Still Me.

I moved as a child and as an adult, so I never learned how to keep in touch with people. Being an introvert does not help either. It is not that I do not care. I just never learned the shape of staying. As a child, my childhood was filled with homework. I have had insomnia since secondary two. Sometimes, it snowballed into something like depression. Sleep is not rest for me. It never really was. Sometimes it takes effort to survive the days. I hate that. These days I try to track my sleep. I realised sometimes we sleep more yet the quality of it is average. Back in school, I was a mentor. I helped others because it made me feel useful but I was the one who actually needed help. I started hurting myself in places no one could see. I have a very small tattoo on my left arm now, covering it. My shirt hides it. On my back, I have another: a prayer of the heart kept in cages.  I almost did not graduate despite winning some awards back in school. I spent some time in the counseling office that most of my former classmates did not know even now. I am grateful for that. I was not the best kid. I used to overspent on my late father's while he was overseas and I lived with my sister. He was furious back then. I do not blame him.

After graduation, I got the internship I wanted. I even went where I hoped to go. But I ended up in the hospital anyway due to some sleep issues. Some of my churchmates and closed ones back then helped me through some of it. I am still grateful for that. As a teen, I developed a porn addiction. It started with a project and out of curiosity. But it changes something in you. It turns people into things. And it drifts into places you did not expect. I do not think it is good. It is not a crime, but it is not good and I am thinking to write and do a post tactfully on this for the teens why it is harmful. This ended somewhere during my mid-30s and I am glad it has ended. In 2015, I once found a website I am not proud of. Nothing much happened or take place but I still remember it. I still carry it. Besides that, there was a time I downloaded a manual I should not have on the many ways to end my own life. It even have details on the outcome of it: a book banned in some places and no longer be found like a limited edition. Partly because I was depressed. Partly because I was curious. I never used it yet I have never forgotten that I had it. I am not the most spiritual person on earth but I feel sorry for two figures from the Bible: Judas and Lucifer. I hope there is a good ending for both. Maybe we need the darkness to know what light is. Judas hanged himself. Lucifer went to hell. I still hope. Later I have had an interest on both eastern philosophy and others too to balance it out and studied under some teachers on these areas though I think sometimes it is best not to over think some things and just let it be.

I once had a conversation with someone I was dating. We met once. It did not work out. It was my fault. We discussed about things that most would consider too wild. I finally apologize for that. I only hope the best for everyone. A few years ago, my Instagram was hacked. I had proof. It stayed with me longer than I expected—the feeling of someone being inside something that was mine. It is still the same even now. I had a short online course on copyright infringement but sometimes I used to I still own a fake here and there. I used to sell things that had copyright issues and only realised that later and that particular online store was banned and I learned my lesson and no longer do that. I know I always pale in comparison with others but I am still trying. As a teen, I wore thick makeup because I was deeply insecure about my looks. Natural beauty is rare and the world rewards what it notices. That is why the beauty industry and plastic surgery is so huge. I understand it now. I felt it then. I used to use dating apps. I text and rarely meet but sometimes or most of the time, I do not meet them at all. I guess sometimes I feel nervous and at times I do not. Someone once "tried to help me" but that make some individuals misunderstood instead and I am still trying to fix that. 

Sometimes I feel both male and female. Not half. Both. Sometimes I am protective. Sometimes I am fragile. I think we need to embrace what lives within. Freud would have agreed though I do not understand his theories fully. Or Carl Jung to embrace the darkness in us to understand the light within too.